Demons in the Darkness

“Old sins cast long shadows” -Danish proverb

I recently was able to admit something that happened almost twenty years ago. It was something that I had done, that was so painful that I never admitted to myself the truth of what happened. I killed our dog. It was my job to take care of her, and one hot summer day I didn’t check her water bowl – she went hours during the day and all night with no water. By the time anyone realized this, she was very sick. She died in just a few days.

It is hard, even now, to be honest with myself about it – it hurts to think that I caused her so much pain and suffering. That one mistake on my part ended the life of something I loved. But it did. And now that I admit it, that I now accept responsibility for it, I can learn from it and heal from it.

When the impact of what we do is the opposite of who we see ourselves as, our first impulse is to deny it, to cover it up, to get angry. But the only thing available to cover it up is blackness and lies. But blackness is like those old maps – outside the boundary of the known world is the unknown. Here Be Dragons. But what happens when you blank out parts of the map in your neighborhood? In your house? Could you really use your house if you avoided the hallway to the bathroom?

What happens when you black out part of yourself? It sickens and festers. Ignoring a problem only makes it worse. It grows in the darkness, and starts spreading throughout your whole life. Anything that would remind you of the truth gets violently pushed aside. We call them triggers now, but it is more like someone pushing on a tender bruise. You get defensive. Angry. Withdrawn.

Stuck.

Admitting what happened is like taking the bandage off the wound – it lets you clean it out, shine light on it, and start healing. We all carry scars, but we don’t need to have festering wounds on our heart.

I am sad that I killed our dog, but I am glad that I finally admit it. It makes the new year shine brighter with possibilities.